Life as I know it...

The worst thing about this is I can't do anything. I basically have to do nothing until he calls me. Which is lame.

If he was my boyfriend I'd call him up no problem and just check on him.

If we're dating and I call him again, I'm needy.

If he's losing interest in me, me calling him is not going to help the situation.

If he's sick and cranky, I should just leave him alone.

But I need to know. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to know what the deal is. I need to know. I'll call him later. Otherwise, I'll just freak out until I hear from him. So why delay??

PS I texted him earlier about missing him and our mondays together. I also asked him a question so maybe he'll respond. 

How can I be so torn up about one person? Someone I've known for a month or so? I can't even believe how he has affected me with one week apart from each other and not talking for four days... 

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your kindness, consideration, and generosity of spirit are easy pickins for the ruthless, conniving and deceitful. Like a poor little defenseless piggy, you're ripe for becoming some sexy wolf's chew toy. Build a house made of cynicism and paranoia this week; you can always take it down later, once you've made sure your lovers are de-clawed.

Warning: These are the rantings of a girl who has not been called by the boy in three days. A girl who has spent her first monday Dave free since the start of summer. Sorry, feel free to skip over my madness.

When I don't know what to do, I read. It's pretty much the only way I can completely occupy my mind with one task.  Let's just say, I read two books this weekend, one that was 754 pages long (I started that a week ago though) and another that's about 300. And this was in the gaps of me going out with Cindy to see some bands, going to a wine fest with Chad and going shopping/eating sushi/watching baseball with Sher. I can't turn my brain off. I can't stop thinking about what if...

So when it got way past friend phone call hour, I start reading crap on the internet about dating and relationships and come up with a whole lot of shit. Ninety percent of it was about signs he's about to dump you. I pretty much skimmed some of those and then stopped torturing myself. Then there was the other ten percent. One article that kept popping up was "10 signs that you're dating a commitment ready guy". So here's the list...

1) His friends are married

2) He's financially secure

3) He pursues you

4) He's willing to wait

5) He watches DVDs with you when you're sick

6) He gets to know your friends and family

7) He says "we" instead of "me"

8) He's not afraid of compromises

9) He doesn't need excuses

10) He likes being in a long term relationship.

So far, Dave gets 8 out of 10. He hasn't met my friends or family and I haven't been sick (though he is right now and didn't want me to play nurse)

But then there's the what if factor-as in What if he's just not that into me anymore? What if he met someone else? What if he was dating someone else the whole time and chose her over me? What if he's just nuts(like my last boy Sam)? 

Aaaagh....I know this isn't helping the situation, but this is what blogs and best friends are for, right?

Usually, I am a very confident person. I tend to have high self esteem because I'm surrounded by positive people who love me and are constantly feeding my ego, but in a good way. Plus, this has been going on for me, most of my life. This is not to brag, it's just a fact.I know I'm blessed and that most people aren't so lucky, so I am thankful that I have always had such a positive self image.  As a teacher, one of my goals every year is to provide this foundation of self esteem for my students because even at their age, they can already have a negative self image. I think it's key to becoming a well rounded and happy person.

But with dating, I haven't been lucky. I've had a lot of negative experiences and blows to my ego and though I have some good memories, overall it hasn't been pretty. Thus, my hesitation in believing that this thing with Dave will turn out differently. As far as my experience goes, it has pretty much never gotten this far for me. I've dated many boys and never had a boyfriend. I don't know what this is with Dave because I'm afraid to ask him all the important questions. The thing is, with the ones I've really liked, it always ended pretty abruptly and unexpectedly. I'm afraid this will happen again, because it has happened that way every other time. Even when guys seem to be infatuated with me (and when the feeling has been mutual), something random happens and it's over.

The closest I've come to a real boyfriend was Sam. We dated for about a month, and everything was going along great. When I told him I was going to Europe for five weeks and not sure where that left us, he said he'd wait for me. This blew my mind and he ended up meeting my family (cousins and siblings) and my friends. We made plans for me to meet his friends and then all of a sudden, we're at his place, getting ready to go to a Padres/Dodgers game and he breaks down and says he shouldn't be with me. He proceeds to tell me that when he was talking to his best friend about me, she said that I sounded wonderful but she didn't think he was ready for another relationship because he wasn't over his ex yet. He was going to propose to this ex and they were going to live together and all of that, then she broke up with him. He had been in therapy ever since but hadn't told me till that day because I made him feel normal and happy again. But then he liked me and realized I deserved better and he wasn't good enough for me, so he couldn't be with me. Confusing? Yeah, tell me about it. I understood though, and I  was on my way out and he starts crying! And then after comforting him for a little bit, he tells me at the door that I should call him when I get back from Europe and we could try again. Obviously that never happened.

I know this is one case and Sam was probably (secretly) clinically depressed the whole time we were together and Dave is not this way and all of that...but this was my last attempted relationship. Wil doesn't count, he and I have always had a messed up situation and it's probably not going to be over really till one of us gets married. 

So even though I feel like Dave and I have a good start, I'm still terrified that one day something will just happen and that's it. Yeah, I know that's how relationships work. Life is hard, we deal with it. It's not that I won't recover or that I feel like he's my soul mate already or any of that. It's that I've never liked anyone this much and even though I know he likes me, he hasn't been as responsive as he was in the beginning and we haven't really talked about whether we're exclusive or what we want this to be in real terms yet. And yeah, it might be too soon anyways, but this is all scary and new to me. I overthink and overanalyze everything when it comes to him. Like I know he's sick and has a sore throat this weekend and yet I'm annoyed he hasn't called me to tell me how he's feeling. Even though we haven't talked about whether we're dating exclusively or whatever, I'm scared to say anything in case he is or in case he gets offended by the question. And yet we talk about everything else so easily.

I have no reason to think these thoughts because he has always been so great and we get along so well together and always have a good time. And I can't help but feel insecure because even though I've been told I'm a great girl, I've never been anyone's girlfriend. I reread this whole thing just now and I know how ridiculous I must sound, but this is how I feel and when I feel lost, I blog and trust those who know me better than I know myself for guidance.

So this was supposed to be the big weekend where Dave finally got to see my apartment and we would get to spend some quality time together. Except he's sick and cancelled happy hour and thus, we are not spending any time together this weekend.

I can't say I'm completely disappointed because you know how antsy I was getting about it already. But I do like this guy and I wish he were fine and we could hang out instead of him being home sleeping and resting up all weekend. I did call him and tell him that if he wanted me to come by with soup or play nurse or something, I'd be happy to. I left the message on his voicemail so it probably sounded convincing. Ok, I didn't really want to do that, but I would have. And I made the offer again when he called me back and he said he really just wanted to sleep and that hopefully he'd be fine by monday.

So the backup plans are now in effect. I'm going to check out some bands at a local bar with Cindy tonight, going to some fancy wine tasting on the Queen Mary with Chad tomorrow night (Meghan couldn't go and told him to take me) and then hanging out with Sheryll for baseball/shopping Sunday.

Even though I wasn't so big on the idea of a whole weekend with one person and now I have tons of great plans, I still kinda wish Dave wanted me to bring him soup or something. But one of my favorite things about him is that he's really independent and that he appreciates that I'm like that too and wants me to spend time with my friends. 

God, I must really like this one if I want to play nurse and risk getting sick instead of doing all the other cool stuff I have planned for the weekend =)

Yes, I am 30 years old and I've never had a boyfriend. I don't know how to do this and I've seen it done a million times. Ok, not a million, but I've actually witnessed the entire cycle firsthand-as in boy meets girl, they fall in love, get engaged, get married, get pregnant, have a baby and live happily ever after. Or at least continue to live happily in their coupled state. My friends Brendan and Vanessa just celebrated their second wedding anniversary, Ramona and Mohammed should be at 3 by now and Paul and Marie have been together 8 years, married for four.Oh yeah, and Mariah and Santtu are on wedding anniversary 6 and they have two homes and two children. When I met them, they were single and looking for love and then they found it. Just like that.

The thing that freaks me out about Dave is that NOTHING freaks me out about him. As in, so far, everything has been so simple, so smooth, and honestly, just so easy. We met, we hung out, we kissed, we started dating, went camping and our Mondays have become so routine that straying from it last night made us decide that we had to go back to it next Monday, seriously. He wanted to spend the weekend together last weekend but I had plans. So this weekend, we're going to spend some quality time together, I guess. And I'm so anxious about it, I'm currently trying to think of an escape plan.

Don't get me wrong, I like Dave and I really enjoy the time we spend together. It's not that I don't want to spend the weekend together, because I really do. It's that I have never done this before and there are a ton of questions and random thoughts running through my head about the whole thing. Like, what does this mean? Does this make him my boyfriend or me his girlfriend? What will we do the whole time? Since we'll be at my place, am I in charge of stuff? Should I cook for him since he cooks for me all the time at his place? If it goes well, is this what we're going to do all the time? How long will this "weekend" last? Till Sunday? What if he makes me crazy or I get tired of him, do I get to kick him out?

Yes, I know I'm overreacting. I know this is what people do and the only way we can know if this is real is if we spend more time together and get to know each other better. I know I'll probably enjoy every minute of our time together, just like I usually do. I'll probably like him even more and want to do this all the time. 

But today is Tuesday and these are the thoughts running around my head, or at least they will be till Friday, when our weekend begins...   

Remember when we would talk about which of us would get married first and everyone always said that it would be me? Emma, the one without a boyfriend, the ever single girl who likes boys for looks and not longevity, the one who gets crushes on all the wrong people at all the wrong times, that girl? I guess the reasoning was, it's what I always wanted, and  you know what? It's true, ultimately, that is what I want. It's great to have friends who know you better than you know yourself ;)

It's only been a month or so, but Dave and I are totally falling into a routine. The scary thing? I really like it. As in, I look forward to Mondays because that's our day where he cooks dinner and I come over and we hang out. It's so simple, but comforting and I am a creature of habit. Yesterday I walked into his house and he was cooking in the kitchen with his shirt off and greeted me with a "Hey Sweetie" and I got the butterflies all over again, just looking at him. Ok, he's got an awesome body, but it was the sweetie and the comfort of being with him again and seeing him making dinner that made me smile. For a date where we spent most of the time watching John Adams (boring HBO miniseries he has to try to use in class), it was still fun, just nice being together.

So yeah, I am totally turning into that girl. The one who can't stop talking about the guy she's seeing. The one who is working the schedule around him instead of friends and family first. The girl who can't wait for the next Monday to roll around and it's only Tuesday. But it's not entirely my fault, Dave is that kind of guy. That sweet, caring, call you three times in an hour to update you on dinner and his whereabouts, make all of my food Emma style and then finish it for me when I can't eat all of it guy. The write me down in his planner, let's make plans to go to San Diego, Seattle and visit each other's classrooms guy. The guy who told me he was ready, with his light on, to not be single anymore and to have someone to share his life with before we had even kissed.

Funny thing is, I don't really feel the pressure now like I did in the very beginning. It's not like we're going from date to date like how casual dating usually goes. Ok, he hasn't met any of my friends yet, and it's really only been 7 dates(though camping is extra points!) and there are no labels, but this is definitely something... 

Even before we left, I could sense the different motives Dave had for inviting me on this trip. He mentioned it on our second date, when he hardly knew me and has said it was because it would be really fun, a new experience, I'd be a good camp date, he wanted to spend more time with me, and he wanted me to meet his California family. I had a feeling that really, truly, it was because if I didn't go, he would be subject to the single friend status that I've lived with my whole life. Dealing with all the "Who are you dating?" "Have you met anyone?" "Do you want to date my friend so and so?" "How's the dating life?" questions. And how could I do that to such a sweet guy who I really like and see boyfriend potential in?  I couldn't and I'm glad I didn't.

The facts are, he met most of these people while playing beach volleyball. He and his then girlfriend Linda became friends with them and they have been doing this annual camping trip every year since 2001. With some lapses when he and Linda broke up and she met, married and then divorced some guy that didn’t fit into the group so he's pretty much had custody of the friends ever since . Basically, Linda was out and Dave went back in. He talked about one girlfriend named Liz that he took on this trip, then she flipped out of her tube and blamed someone in the group for trying to drown her. He immediately broke up with her after that. By the grace of God, I didn't fall out of the tube, though I did hit some trees and rocks, lost my flip flops and almost got swept away by the current at the very end when we were getting out and I drifted far far away from everyone else. Dave took care of me the whole time, and when we weren't right next to each other, his friends took care of me. Oh yeah, and it was really fun.

We set up our tent, we made margaritas for everyone, we held hands and acted like the new, still all over each other couple while the other couples were bickering and we stayed up late hanging out with the three teenagers that came with their parents. Yeah, I know that's a lot of "we" action. Dave brought lame chairs so I sat in this set of chairs that were attached and had a little table between them, next to the 15 year old boy who got buzzed after his dad let him have a beer and proceeded to chat me up the rest of the night. I moved away when he got a little too personal and he said, "Why are you leaving? Just because you're Dave's whatever doesn't mean we can't talk?" That cracked us all up and from then on I was his whatever and he was my whatever. 

It's only been a month, so there shouldn't be labels right? We're dating, we're seeing each other more and more and I think I passed the camping trip test. His friends all hugged me when I left for the wedding and said they'd miss me.  He said he'd miss me more than they would and even though we had spent almost all weekend together already, the Monday dinner/Weeds date stands.

I felt lucky to not be the only single person somewhere for once, to be with Dave even if he and I are still just whatevers and the highlight of my weekend wasn't my friend's beautiful (open bar) wedding with all of my school friends, it was waking up in someone's arms and having him tell me he was lucky to have me around. And that finally, I feel the same way...  

I just spent the last 24 hours with Nancy's 4 girls and niece in a neverending slumber party o rama. This was all my bright idea and it was really fun...most of the time. The thing is, Nancy's a single mom, she's working full time, taking classes part time and trying to take care of all of them, plus her brother and her mom. Oh, and there's this new boy with tons of potential that she's trying to get to know. With her life and initial unwillingness to get involved with someone right after her Mr. Big left for Mexico, she's had two dinners with him in three months. So why not give her a break? I thought innocently. So last week we went to Chuck E. Cheese and a Dodger Game. So during our slumber party, we played Rock Band, dress up, made cookies, watched Adam Sandler movies all night, went out to breakfast (apparently a big deal), made more cookies and muffins for the camping trip, walked to the playground and the beach, bought lunch supplies and had a picnic at the park. But there were plenty of fights, lots of drama and I am now swearing that all of my children will be at least two years apart and there will definitely be less than three children coming out of my body or being adopted by me.

Meanwhile, Dave is trying to call me all day and arrange what "we" are bringing to the camping trip tomorrow since the other people are all sponsoring things like chips and guacamole for all night or puggy pies and other important camping supplies. Yeah, and he forwarded me the email, and of course, they're pretty much all couples or couples with children. As in, I bet poor Dave is their last single friend just as I am starting to become my circle's last single friend. We decided on bringing cookies and margaritas. When did I become part of a "we"?

But tonight, who cares? I am soooooo happy to be home alone,eating non kid friendly salmon and risotto that I only had to cook only for one and not waiting for a turn to use my bathroom.  I love having my life be just that, all mine, and that I get to make the decision whether I want it to stay this way, or not...      

The great thing about SATC is that even though the women definitely had strong personality traits, their lives prevented them from always fitting into a stereotype. As the show went on, whether they liked it or not, they evolved. And if you think about it, they were just a few years older than we are now when that show started. I mean, in most cases, they had no choice but to change, which brings us to where we are now.

When I first saw the show, I thought I was a lot more like Samantha. I mean, she dated like a man, keeping herself happy and not getting into relationships because it just wasn't a priority. I totally did that for a bit, but with a lot less sex. When the other three were always in relationships, she was single and proud of it. But deep down inside, I relate more to Charlotte. I mean, she wants what I want, the husband, the kids, the whole domestic life I really do wish for. She believes in true love and the one and is an eternal optimist, that's totally me. She can want something so bad that she'll keep going with it, even if it's not that great, hoping it'll get better and although I don't want to be like that, I do that sometimes too.

At first, I feared that Dave would be like Trey, too good to be true, just what I wanted and nice, almost to a fault but boring. But he is definitely Steve. He is super considerate, but likes to be in charge. He is so silly but still mature and sweet. He is usually the initiator and as much as he'll listen to me and pay attention to me, he doesn't worship me. We're definitely equals. He isn't pushy, but if he wants something from me, he'll sweet talk me into it and get his way while making me think that I'm in control somehow. Like with the camping. I thought the subject was closed when I said no the first time and then said no the second time but he kept asking until I said yes. Last night he said he just wanted to spend more time with me and really wanted me to meet his friends. I promised to be on my best behavior and he said they'd like me just the way I was.

I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop (very Miranda like) but I'm definitely enjoying the romance, which is definitely super Charlotte =)