Life as I know it...

The beauty of the blog is it's a time machine that lets you peek at your past and remember the good times and of course, reminds you of the not so great times.

At this exact moment last year, I had just started talking to Dave. We were in my favorite part, the beginning, before it started getting complicated and when every communication was exciting and new.

Today was also the day that Ben had his stroke. I was driving up to Del Mar Fair with Amparo and Rich when Phil called me saying Ben was in the ICU. We went to the fair anyway, watched fireworks and then I ended up driving down south to meet up with Phil, crying and praying for Ben's life to be saved somehow.

I didn't know what was going to happen with my job. There was a slim chance it would be saved even.

Fast forward to now. I have a completely different job which could either make me rich(or at least bring me back to normal) or lead to another year of struggling to make ends meet.

Ben is perfectly fine. I hate to say this, but the stroke kind of fixed a lot of things in his life. He is finally taking care of himself, he has a relationship with his mother again and he has actually made goals to improve his life.

There is no more Dave and really no one with boyfriend or even dating potential in my life right now. Brian and I were supposed to hang out while I was in DC last week, but it didn't work out since I had such an early flight and no way to get to NY as I had planned originally. He called me to say goodbye this morning. My constant crush is now headed back to Thailand where he'll probably be for awhile since he actually has job offers there. He invited me to come and stay with him whenever I wanted, but that will have to wait for when I have a steady income, time off and a passport.

Nothing is the same. If I were to compare and contrast 2008 and 2009, they would have nothing in common. Well, except that I thankfully still have my friends and family intact. And with that kind of safety net, all I have to do is cross this tightrope to the next part of this adventure...  

When we were obsessed with Mike Tyson's punch out, we thought tko just meant triple knock out. But it really means that the ref just decided that the fighter can't continue the match for whatever reason and declares the other guy the winner. Sometimes it does mean that the fighter's been knocked down three times in one round.

If 2009 were a fight (and, damn, it sure has been!) then I'd be ready for my tko right about now. Just got back from DC (bus made me late for first flight, had to spend my last 50 bucks on the flight change, almost lost my wallet and boarding pass at the airport in Atlanta) to see that my car has a parking ticket, my phone screen is dead again and my dad is in the hospital. Fucking threes.

I was supposed to go to a funeral today (thu) for a friend's mother who died last week but of course I rushed down to SD instead. He was in the same hospital as my grandpa, and in the same room where my grandma died. He had been having random continuous nose bleeds this weekend and some tightness in his chest so when he finally vomited blood, my mom took him to the er. They said he had stroke level high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat so they admitted him. They put the machines on him, his bp went down and they put some thing in his nose to stop the bleeding. He lied to the doc about going to see his cardiologist (he hasn't seen a doctor since his heart attack and stint surgery 4 years ago) but his tests came out ok so he went home last night.

After everything that has gone wrong this year and last, I spent that hour drive (yes, I was going hella fast but I was also coming from john wayne airport) crying and praying and thinking about what could happen next. There have been way too many moments like this for me and I just kept hoping it would be alright. This time, thankfully, it was.

It's been almost a year since Ben's stroke. I'm thinking I should spend that particular day (tomorrow) with him, since he's had his own share of tkos but once in the geniza bubble, there is no escape.

I feel like everything I've been posting is slightly traumatic and a downer, but everything happens for a reason and things still manage to work out for me, so the fight continues on.

I got plenty more rounds left in me... 

The Michael Jackson I will remember made music for the world to enjoy. His work has always been timeless and it's a legacy that will live on forever. He is the only artist that everyone in our family liked. We dedicated a whole Christmas program to him once and have incorporated his performances, music and dance moves so often over the years, I can't really remember all of them right now. And then later, we even had a Michael Jackson themed party at our house that people still regret missing.

He wasn't part of my family, but just knowing that again, another family out there is feeling the sorrow and despair that come with losing a loved one makes my heart ache. The difference is that since he touched so many people's lives, it almost feels like the whole world is in mourning.

And yeah, he wasn't perfect in life and maybe not even his death was entirely innocent, but you know what? Who cares?

I can't think of another artist who has spent 41 years in show business and still has the respect and love that Michael Jackson had.   

Ok, 2009, you've made your point. Life is short, precious and fleeting, live it to the fullest. This rollercoaster is too much for me, I'm ready for some carousel now...

"i'm on a plane take a looka me/ straight flyin on a plane to WashingtonDC/ VirginAmerica 30000 feet/ you can't stop me & the wifi at my seat"           -Scotty Crowe (twitter) posted this Friday-yeah, he loves soulja boy. It's only semi-excusable since he's from the South.

So he's going to DC a week before me?? Ok, I'm not flying on Virgin America this time, but it's still weird, right?

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Had to put the divider line there so I didn't have to waste a whole post on my Scotty stalking.

So anyway, I've been keeping a low profile lately, aka avoiding expensive drinking binges with my still employed teacher friends.

Yesterday, my friend Cindy invited me to a family party at her house. Since I was literally down the street at Nancy's house planning our school carnival all day, it was quite convenient so I was totally up for it. I like hanging out with her family, even if they're Dodgers/Raiders/Mets fans, they're nice people with great food and free booze. But then I had to meet up with Phil and Christine to pick up something that Missy sent me with Phil so I had to drive way the hell out of the way and almost went home to watch TV and catch up with my work instead.

But my gut said I should go, so even as tired and stressed as I was, I went.

Then I realized that Cindy had sorta set me up. But the cool thing was...I kinda liked the guy =)

I mean, I definitely didn't have my A game on, but I was still pretty friendly and found out what I wanted to know about him. As in, he's 26-27 (I've dated younger), is an engineer that graduated from UCLA(physics major) and lives in Lakewood(ten minutes away from me) with roommates, and is single, funny, cute and has an ex-girlfriend who's a teacher and a sister who teaches at Cindy's school. 

Old Emma would not have left that party without his number. New Emma has decided that if he is interested, he knows how to get my number (from Cindy).

It's been a while since I've met anyone who was cool enough to talk to for most of a party or who intrigued me enough to make me friendly when I could have been talking with my other friends. I will admit he reminded me of Sam a little bit and fit my generic tall, skinny, smart, sarcastic, good with kids, dimple and nice teeth "type" so that was a lot of it.

The one minus is that Cindy kinda had a crush on him for a little bit in December when they first met. I don't know what's up with them now but Cindy told him to come so he could meet me. I guess he asked Cindy if there were going to be any single girls there and she said I would be there and that I was a cool one.

If anything, it was nice to have another single person around in a world of couples and to meet someone new who I'd actually want to hang out with again...

The other day, I wrote about how all of these hardships have helped me develop a thicker skin. This is true, but other days, I feel like the past events have also made me a lot more vulnerable and emotional than I used to be.

When I read Christina's post, I started to cry. I didn't really know her aunt, but I can empathize with her loss. It may take 40 days to ascend to heaven but it might take 40 years for me to really heal from all the pain I've felt recently.

There are good days and bad days. Mostly, I have days when I am happy that he's okay and in heaven, finally with my grandma and happy once again. Other days, all I can think about is how much I've lost and how everyone in my family is still suffering.

Today was just a bad one, tomorrow is another day, ready and waiting for good things to come...

Phil and I had our first real (aka minus his gf) hangout yesterday. And we went ring shopping. So I got asked if I was the lucky girl or who's this for or when are you getting married at least ten times yesterday. Mostly I said, "I'm just helping" or "I'm not marrying him!" or inserted some random "she would like that" to throw them off. Is it really weird that I'm helping my guy friend find an engagement ring?

Phil already had a ring in mind, but the one he chose cost $7,000! They're trying to spend under $10,000 for their wedding so to buy her a ring that was 70% the price of the wedding seemed crazy to me. But then again, this is Phil. He is the king of generosity and kindness. He justified it by saying he would only buy one engagement ring, so why not? I had a whole lot of reasons for why not, towards the end, he actually took them into consideration.

We went to about 8 or 9 stores and everyone pretty much tried to talk him out of getting platinum since it added an extra $2,000 to the ring price and scratched more easily. Plus it required a special order since apparently platinum can get warped or something? Here's a smaller, white gold version of the ring....

Phil ring

 When he talks about her, I like her a lot. When we're actually in the same room or even having a conversation, not so much. But what I do know is, I have never seen Phil so happy and that's what counts. Like Herman, I think Phil is a simple person who can maintain his sunny outlook no matter what. He already asked the parents for permission and her dad cried! This wedding will be a lot of dreams coming true and for that, I will gladly suffer through yet another friend wedding and possibly be a bridesmaid again. Although, I keep telling him "If you really want me to, I will, but, it's really ok if she'd rather choose her friends." We'll see what goes down after the proposal. I think he's going to do it on a boat. My hot air balloon idea was way too pricy...

The days where I wish I lived in San Diego are coming more often now. Yesterday was one cousin's 21st birthday and they all threw her a surprise party. Today is another's high school graduation. Last week, I really wanted to be there for Missy in person.

Then when I'm home and pulled in twenty different directions and end up doing all these things I don't necessarily want to do, I want to be away again. I love living up here and one of the main reasons is that I can live my own life and not have to deal with every event my millions of family members have.

But it still hurts to miss stuff like this, especially when I'm technically not working today...

I feel like part of getting older and going through difficult situations is it develops another layer that both protects you and hides what's really going on inside at the same time. Like how your fingers get calloused if you work with your hands all day...

Good or bad, my skin keeps getting thicker. I always think, if I can get through yet another shitty situation, everything will be ok later. I'm ready for later to begin now.

It took me a long time to cry for my cousin Kara. It wasn't until Saturday at her funeral that it really hit me. After all of these deaths, I've come to accept that at the very least, they're going to a better place. I truly believe that and I'm glad I have my faith to hold on to at times like these. I was sad that she was physically gone forever and had died in such a tragic way, but mostly, I was sad for everyone else in her life who would miss her every day. She and Missy were best friends and cousins or really soulmates like Missy wrote in her eulogy. Kara was the person Missy would have chosen for her maid of honor and is now who she's going to name her first child after. But Kara won't be there to hold that baby or be her godmother anymore. And the thought of someone I love so much losing her best friend is what really made the tears start. 

It's hard to understand how much it hurts to lose someone until it happens to you. I've had a hard time blogging about it because I would love to box up this emotion and put it away so I don't have to think about how many people I've lost, not just this year, but throughout my life. After a while, the pain becomes numbness. It's like I've been punched so many times, the bruise isn't even spreading anymore, it just exists. And the only time I remember it's there is when someone points it out or it comes in contact with something else.

I understand that life is fragile and death is inevitable. That's why I choose not to tell other people unless I have to or talk about it with people who are just leading their lives. I don't want my sorrow to cloud their otherwise sunny days.  If you've never lost anyone close to you, it's hard to relate. If you have, that sadness just comes up to the surface again when you think of how you felt the last time it happened.

Most of the time, I'm fine. The worries about my career, my financial situation, my future and such I can push aside until I have to deal with them. This is where the thick skin comes in handy. 

I am thankful for the strength I've gained and am learning to accept what I have already lost. 

It can only get better, right??  

You all know that there are 21 of us Geniza cousins. But our parents have cousins that are their age which makes their children our nieces and nephews, I think. Anyway, we actually call them the "Mira Mesa" cousins because they all live there and don't have one common last name. We don't see these cousins too often, but today we will never see one of them again.

Our niece/cousin Kara Franco was killed instantly in a car accident today around 1pm. She had just become a registered nurse and was only 24 years old. Since she's the same age as Kristy and Missy and Jason, they were all friends with her. I can't believe our family has lost another loved one.

The wind has been knocked out of me....

Jlc ghirardelli

In the best of times and the worst of times, I know I am never completely alone and for this I am thankful. Sher's right, the rest of the people in our worlds need to get it together. But even if they never do, I am so glad that I know at least two other people who are out there putting out fires, cleaning up messes, being the shoulder to cry on and the ears that listen to for our respective family and friends.

We must all have a hell of  a lot of stars in our crowns by now! =D