thick skin
I feel like part of getting older and going through difficult situations is it develops another layer that both protects you and hides what's really going on inside at the same time. Like how your fingers get calloused if you work with your hands all day...
Good or bad, my skin keeps getting thicker. I always think, if I can get through yet another shitty situation, everything will be ok later. I'm ready for later to begin now.
It took me a long time to cry for my cousin Kara. It wasn't until Saturday at her funeral that it really hit me. After all of these deaths, I've come to accept that at the very least, they're going to a better place. I truly believe that and I'm glad I have my faith to hold on to at times like these. I was sad that she was physically gone forever and had died in such a tragic way, but mostly, I was sad for everyone else in her life who would miss her every day. She and Missy were best friends and cousins or really soulmates like Missy wrote in her eulogy. Kara was the person Missy would have chosen for her maid of honor and is now who she's going to name her first child after. But Kara won't be there to hold that baby or be her godmother anymore. And the thought of someone I love so much losing her best friend is what really made the tears start.
It's hard to understand how much it hurts to lose someone until it happens to you. I've had a hard time blogging about it because I would love to box up this emotion and put it away so I don't have to think about how many people I've lost, not just this year, but throughout my life. After a while, the pain becomes numbness. It's like I've been punched so many times, the bruise isn't even spreading anymore, it just exists. And the only time I remember it's there is when someone points it out or it comes in contact with something else.
I understand that life is fragile and death is inevitable. That's why I choose not to tell other people unless I have to or talk about it with people who are just leading their lives. I don't want my sorrow to cloud their otherwise sunny days. If you've never lost anyone close to you, it's hard to relate. If you have, that sadness just comes up to the surface again when you think of how you felt the last time it happened.
Most of the time, I'm fine. The worries about my career, my financial situation, my future and such I can push aside until I have to deal with them. This is where the thick skin comes in handy.
I am thankful for the strength I've gained and am learning to accept what I have already lost.
It can only get better, right??
