Maybe I should have taken what little money I have and bet it on the Chargers this weekend. I probably would have won enough to get me through the next couple of months without subbing, but even I wasn't that sure about how this would play out. The best and worst thing about football is that on any given sunday, anything can happen.
It felt great to be back home for this game because everything becomes an impromptu celebration when my family's around. We all woke up from staying up all night practicing for the big show to eat breakfast and watch the game in our pajamas. Then more people started trickling in and suddenly it was a party. I was so excited at one point I jumped on my aunt's couch all crazy Tom Cruise style. But it didn't end there.
We all practiced for a few more hours since the Denver game wasn't showing and kept checking our phones for score updates. I cut practice short so we could sneak out and watch the end of it somewhere. We ended up at an Oggi's Pizza in Otay Ranch where it was standing room only just in time for the last 3 minutes of the game. Amidst chants of "Denver Sucks!" and rampant texting of score updates to those not fortunate enough to come with us, karma smiled upon us and we got a chance to go to the playoffs.
This season was fairly painful but suddenly it doesn't seem so bad after all...
I haven't been in love. I have been in lust, like and otherwise. I have been loved. I am still loved. But I have never really loved any man in that soul mate can't live without you love sorta way. It's the hole that continues to exist in my otherwise full life.
It's ok though, because I know it's coming.
2009 has to be better because there is pretty much no way that it could have been worse than 2008. Ok, I'm still healthy and so are my loved ones. Although Ben came perilously close, I haven't lost anyone in a long time. The last year I had that was this traumatic was 1996. I can't believe that was 12 years ago, almost 13 really.
I remember how much I expected out of that year. I was so ready to go to college, to have my big birthday party and to start another chapter of my life. Then my cousin Joey was killed at a party and my grandma died in between all of the celebrations and happiness of this milestone year.
This year, I expected so much to happen and it all fell apart. The Dave thing affects me more now in retrospect than when it actually happened. He ended it in such a cowardly way that it makes me revisit every step that led us there instead of somewhere else. I love living alone but it does feel lonely sometimes to not have that built in friend/companion all the time. The whole credential thing tore my world apart and I can only blame myself, which feels like a heavier load than I can handle sometimes. I feel like I'm falling behind in achieving my goals with all these setbacks, it almost makes me question if I will ever reach them.
In 2009, I'm starting over. No more looking back.No more expectations. Just taking it one day at a time and living for myself instead of everyone else. Like a phoenix, I will rise from these ashes....
I remember always making fun of that poem, but if Jesus had a phone number, he would be on my speed dial right about now. Thank God there are only four days left of school and my escape to San Diego is on its way. I can't take being a grown up anymore. If I don't get some support soon, I might collapse. Seriously. There are only a few weeks left of 2008, I just don't know what I'll do with any more pain.
The thing is, I've been rejected more times this year than I have been my entire life combined probably. Today I got an email rejection from the New Leaders for New Schools program. They hire 12 people a year for their cohort and they get thousands of applications. I knew it was competitive, but like all other things in my life, I took it for granted that I would at least get a shot. I know what I am capable of and I am always up for a challenge. Since things tend to go my way, I don't handle rejection so well.
I'm getting better at it obviously, but it still stings. I'll get over it soon enough. There's nothing like vacation, the holidays, friends and family to make me feel better....only four more days to go till I can be a kid again =)
This was the only 1:31 of the game worth watching. The rest had us screaming at the TV, threatening to mute the dumb ass commentators and hoping for a miracle. Thank God we finally got a little karmic payback from our heartbreaking last minute losses this season with our own last minute action! =D
Then Denver lost and our chance at playoffs went to slim instead of none!
http://www.nfl.com/videos?videoId=09000d5d80d4e4e4
Also, fantasy football is a scary addiction...it sucks me into a football vortex every Sunday (sometimes Monday and Thursday too) and makes me completely useless for hours at a time.
But I won the first round of playoffs already and kicked ass by 60+ points and one player still going! I should have joined a money related pool ;- )
Some synonyms for this word are: expectation, suspense, fever and hope. After almost an entire year of not knowing what the next day or even hour could hold, now I actually have a few things to look forward to again...
I finally got my teaching credential last week. I gave it to the district so that they have it on file and if my grand plans don't work out, I will at the very least have my job back next year. Or even this year if a certain teacher at my school takes her early retirement option.
After applying in October for the New Leaders program, I finally had my phone interview last week. It was fairly intense but I felt good about how it all went and I will hear from them in about three weeks if I make it to the next phase.
The deadline for the Building Excellent Schools program is on Tuesday. I have been much busier than expected lately, but after I get that in, I should know by February if I move on to the next phase of that program.
Since I have my credential again, I am going to start applying to other schools and hope for the best. I've had a wonderful experience so far, but the next school or experience could always be even better.
Oh yeah, and I will finally see Scotty Crowe in person. And since it's a play that he's both starring and producing, it's guaranteed. Although it's only from afar, I'm still pretty excited at seeing my crush up close and in person =)
As this crazy year winds down, I am also anticipating what the next one will hold. If I could have any do-overs this year, I might not take any. Because even with all the heartache, the struggle, the tears and drama, I know it all happened for a reason and that things can just get better from here...
At least that would be my expectation and hope, even now as I live in suspense...
I went home this weekend and felt like a phony for the first time in my life. There are lots of things that my family doesn't know about me and I like it that way. My cousins and siblings have heard certain stories or witnessed some of the madness firsthand. A few of them have met a few of the boys I've dated over the years. These aspects of my life are private and I feel no guilt in keeping this hidden away. When I find The Dream or even one worthy of my family, I will bring him home and that will be the ultimate litmus test.
But my teaching has always been a point of pride, for me and for them. They always ask about my students or if they can help me grade or whatever. Three of my cousins actually want to be teachers now and I know that wasn't all because of me, but my influence (whether it's positive or not) is strong with all of them because I'm the oldest and the one they've always looked up to. As much as it killed me to hide the fact that I'm not really teaching anymore, it was so much easier than taking the other route. So I smiled, I talked about the year so far and didn't stretch the truth too much since I really have been teaching, but really I was crying inside. Crying because only Missy knows what's really going on. Crying because if I don't get my credential, this will only get harder and harder and I will need their help. Crying because my situation has pushed me to try new things that will only pull us further apart, at least physically.
I couldn't tell anyone about my upcoming interview with New Leaders for New Schools because if I do make it through, that's 600 more miles away that I'll be from everyone. I didn't talk about the Building Excellent Schools program because that would put me thousands of miles away. I'm planning on looking into teaching abroad as well and then we could be on different continents. As exhilirating as it would be for me (and for them, sort of), it would be heartbreaking as well.
I'm not good with change. I am used to my happy plateau. But as evidenced by the rollercoaster ride of 2008, nothing has turned out the way one would expect it to. I am eternally grateful that some things never change, particularly my friends and family. But most of all, I'm thankful that as difficult as this has all been so far, I've survived. It has to get better because damn it, it can't really get much worse!
Usually, I look forward to weekends as a time to relax after a hectic week. Since this weekend I had to 1) host a PTA Family Movie Night 2) go to Cindy's birthday party immediately afterwards 3) go to my friend's daughter's birthday party 4) go to my friend's brother's birthday party and then 5) suffer through that ridiculous game on Sunday, I was happy to go to work this morning, follow my regular routine and be mellow.
Daniel called school today during my lunch hour so I got to chat with him for a bit, which was bittersweet, but I found out he's coming back for 2 weeks during spring break. I ended up going to a friend's birthday dinner tonight and afterwards, I found a nice parking spot (always a challenge after 5pm in my neighborhood) and checked my email to see that I had been selected to a First Round Interview (all caps, just the way they say it) for the New Leaders for New School Program!
The thing about this program is that it's kind of an internship in the sense that you're working with a mentor principal for a few months, getting your masters/administrative credential and then you get placed in a school afterwards. So it's kind of like Teach For America, but as a principal instead of a teacher. It seems pretty intense, but I've realized through all this that I'm a lot tougher than I used to be and even though I heard about this program a while ago, I think I may really be ready for it now. Plus, I am going to continue believing that everything happens for a reason and it's all going to push me in the right direction.
I fondly remember a time when the Chargers were predicted to be in the Super Bowl, and possibly even to win it for the first time ever. Oh wait, that was just two months and 9 games ago. The one thing I can say is always true of the Chargers is that they never cease to amaze me. Often this is in a positive way, but lately, it's been in the almost lost to KC the same way they lost to the Broncos way or the lost in the last two minutes (twice!) way. But just like with the Padres, a San Diego fan just has to keep the faith.
We are still predicted to make the playoffs, pending the Broncos downfall. I hope this happens. It kinda hurts to watch the Chargers play since I never know what will happen. Then again, that's part of the fun, I guess.
On a side note, my fantasy football team is kicking ass and taking numbers. It is comprised of primarily Chargers players so bye week ended in a tie for me, but I've still got the best record in my league.
I don't know how some people follow more than one team...this season is taking its toll on me already, and it's just half over!
Throughout the past eight years, I have been ashamed of our president. I never voted for Bush, he got elected in shady ways both times and he has done nothing that merits a lesson plan about him. When I assigned my students biographies about famous Americans, I purposely left him out. I got in an argument with another (Republican) teacher about it, but I didn't leave him out because of his party, it was because he hadn't done anything to make our world a better place. People like him do not have relevance to my students' lives. They do not come from money, they don't have people who do them favors to get them their positions and during his presidency all he did was cut funding for education, increase the number of standardized tests that they take and make being a teacher even more difficult for less pay. Oh yeah, and besides the unemployment and the recession, he also supported attempts to send them and/or their parents back to their countries for being illegal immigrants.
I know Barack has just been elected, but even throughout the process, both he and Hillary were inspiring children to talk about politics and learn about the government more than they ever did before. I don't know if they supported him simply because he was different and more like them or what. But I have had first graders tell me that they wish they could vote so they could vote for him. This is what we want our future to be like and in their own ways, both he and Hillary did that during this election.
Starting tomorrow, when I once again tell my students that anything is possible, I can actually point to our new president as an example of that. He was the result of a teenage pregnancy, a child of divorce who spent one month total of his life with his father and was essentially raised by his grandparents. This is the life story of half of the students at our school. The difference is, he ended up going to college, becoming a lawyer, a professor, a community organizer, a senator and now our president. I know he's human and not our savior, but he is proof that when you have a dream, you can work hard, and you can make it happen.
I have been hyper-emotional all week. I was devastated when I heard his grandmother died on Sunday. It hurt me to think that all he has left from his own family is his half sister. I couldn't believe even at the finish line, he had to deal with that kind of loss. When he finally won, his speech moved me to tears. But, oddly enough, it was P.Diddy whose reaction really touched me tonight. He said simply, "When I was a kid, I wanted to tell people that I wanted to be the President but I was afraid they'd laugh at me because it was impossible so I said I wanted to be a garbage truck driver. Now, I can honestly tell my own son that now anything is possible."
