Posts (page 2)

I admit, I've been slacking on the scotty stalking since, well, since tony came along. And now that he's gone, I've gone back to reading scotty's blog and twitter again. But tonight I found that instead of only following his mom (so sweet!) he's added someone else that he's following and the little tiny picture is one of scotty and her. Yes, I said her. Why would I even care? Because like Sher said about John Krasinski, once you know they're taken, the appeal is lessened. Not that I'm not up for any hotel cafe/music events since we like the same stuff. But clearly, he will not be wandering around by himself aimlessly, waiting for my best friend to push me into him ;-)

C'est la vie!

Yesterday was my dad's 59th birthday. I haven't really been home in over a month and it always takes a break from being home to make me realize how much I really need to have both my San Diego and Long Beach worlds.

In my San Diego world, it's family first. Everyone in my family has suffered this year, some way more than others. Since the last time I came home, Kristy has had family issues and might lose her job, Missy's family has moved out of their house and essentially lost everything, Erika has gone to jail for a DUI, Alexa has packed to move up to UC Irvine, Philip choreographed and performed a tribute to our grandpa and cousin Kara, my brother had eye surgery, Pam has moved back into her parents' house and my parents have moved into my Grandpa's old room. Not to mention that I met up with two of my old Roosevelt friends too, one of whom lost his dad to cancer last month.

My life in the meantime, which has seemed so traumatic to me lately, pales in comparison once all of these other events are taken into consideration.

If I lived in San Diego, would I even care that some guy I liked doesn't have time for me? The answer is no, because if I lived there, no guy could ever come before my family. If I were there, I would have been playing counselor, babysitter, family rock and ultra supporter of anything and everything Geniza related instead. There would be no Emma who worries about stupid phone calls and boys and needs so much attention, only Ate Em who spends every second taking care of everyone else but who everyone wants to spend as much time with as possible.

But I'm glad I get to have both worlds. I'm lucky enough to spend Friday night drinking and playing Beatles rock band all night with my friends. And then spend Saturday morning having lunch and gambling with my parents, Saturday night with my cousins eating frozen yogurt and singing karaoke and then being able to get back to Long Beach on Sunday to focus on my job and myself again.

So his friends got a hold of his phone while they were out tonight and started texting me stupid shit like "You don't know me, but I know you by Ms. Geniza", and "Such strong words for a teacher!" Essentially stuff that really gets under my skin because I'm ultra paranoid that one day a student of mine will actually do something this inappropriate. But they put my number in their phone so I didn't know who the hell it was, except for the suspicious area code. His area code. So he texts me that his friends got his phone (about 5 texts from them later) and that he apologized if they had sent me weird messages. He sent a few of those apologies and the last one I sent said, "You should delete everything you have about me since you're the one who ended it." That was it, I didn't need to hear from him anymore.

In the meantime, I'm annoyed, so Nancy and I are texting each other and she says he texted her too. Apparently he's been checking up on me to see if I was ok. She's been texting him normal Nancy stuff-like she'll kick his ass if he comes near me. He texts he's sorry again and then he calls.

I didn't know what to do when I saw his name on the screen. I picked up. I told him it's not cool to drunk dial someone he broke up with 4 days ago. He said he wasn't drunk and he apologized again. I told him to please delete my phone number and he said he couldn't. Yes, I know I'm being dramatic and extreme, but seriously, I was that annoyed. He said I was a good person and our timing just wasn't right for now and he still wanted to hang out with me and wanted to make sure I was okay. He said you never know what could happen later. He said he couldn't be in a relationship right now and that was the real problem. I told him to leave Nancy alone so she wouldn't be in the middle of this mess. He said he wanted to know how I was doing still even though he understood that I didn't want to be friends with him and that was the only way he knew how.

I started feeling like a hypocrite for telling him to delete my number since I haven't deleted his. And he sounded genuinely sorry and concerned about me. I told him to give me some space for now, he said he'd try. And then he said he'd call me tomorrow. Wtf??

If I start talking to him or hanging out with him again, my heart will hurt because he doesn't want what I want. He can't give me what I want right now. I want someone with boyfriend potential, at the very least. I can't be someone's last priority, not now and not ever.  

If I try to delete him completely from my life, it'll hurt for a little bit longer and then I can move on. But not if he doesn't do the same.

Do I want him back? Even if it's only a piece of him? Will we end up at this same point next week? Next month?   

Single Emma says yes, kick him to the curb. Needy Emma misses him....alot.

 I'm so confused right now....

So instead of whining about Tony more,  I've decided to be over it. I know you can't just decide that, but instead of indulging myself and torturing everyone else by talking about it, I'm just gonna stop talking about it or  thinking about him and focus my energy on more productive things.

Like my job, which I'm really growing to love. I mean, the money's still not enough and I am probably going to have to tutor again, but it's ok. I miss working with kids and I like tutoring anyways.

For the first time in my professional life, I am the boss. Depending on the project, I'm sometimes the only person who can handle the situation. I make my own schedule and create my own projects. I know it's nerdy, but I like the fact that things that I've created (like tests or questions or whatever) actually get used by thousands of students and hundreds of teachers. I like knowing that I'm the only person who can do stuff like this and it's a freedom that is both exciting and intimidating at times.

I'm glad I stayed at Roosevelt all those years. I wouldn't trade that experience for anything. I found a home with that school, its parents, students and staff. They gave me a family and a place to call home when mine were 100 miles away. I went back today to visit since I had time between appointments and it felt good to be back, but I didn't really want to be there.

It kinda felt like how San Diego feels to me-a place full of people I love, with memories I cherish, but also not where I need to be at this point in my life.

Oh and as if I didn't need more things to fill up my time...Football starts tomorrow!! =D  

You know how they say expect the best but prepare for the worst? I'm glad I actually followed through on that this time. I was hoping he'd say pause. The conversation got away from me. I couldn't read him over the phone like I usually can. I couldn't tell if this was a renegotiation or an end of business. He said we had moved too fast and he wasn't ready for what I wanted. He said he didn't want to let me down all the time or have me waiting around for him or expecting things he couldn't give me. He said I deserved more than what he could give me. He didn't want to give me false hopes that this would be more. He wanted to still be able to hang out when he could. I told him I couldn't be his friend. That I liked him and I couldn't put that aside right now. I asked if this was a pause or a stop. He was flustered. I think he said stop, but I can't even remember now. It was a blur. When I first picked up the phone, it seemed like old times. He didn't want to talk about it over the phone. He wanted to do it in person, but didn't have the time.

If he hadn't done it today, I might have done it next week. I had thought about it already on Saturday night.

Since I am one who needs closure, I texted him a nicer goodbye than the "have a good life" I told him on the phone. I apologized for being meaner than I wanted to be and thanked him for the good times.

I am ok.

I will feel better.

Every wrong one is just a step closer to the right one.

I have faith that this too, happened for a good reason.

It's not so much the ending as it is the waiting. And the not knowing what this "talk" could be about. For all I know, it could be something completely different than him breaking up with me. It could be that he wants to know what I think and how I want to continue this to make us work. Or it could be that he doesn't have time for me and he doesn't want to make me feel like his last priority all the time so we're done. Who the fuck knows?? He probably won't call me till late tonight so I'm going to be all fucked up till then.

Yes, it is very mature of him to want to tell me what's going on instead of doing the fade out like that last coward. Yes, I wanted to know where we were going from here and the thought has also crossed my mind that I didn't want to continue this with him being treated like someone who was the last thing he had time for. I'm worth more than that. Up until this point, he has never made me feel like there was any question about his feelings for me. He likes me. He wants me. He cares about me. We talk every day and I don't feel like time is such an issue because my job has been pretty intense and I like having my own space too. But since we talk every day, it's not that big a deal.

If I could take anything back, I probably wouldn't have slept with him so soon. I mean, it wasn't just the sex that made me attached to him, it was how he held me after. And how he knew when I needed space and told me to go to my corner. And then held me again. Tony's the first guy who made me feel like I was his girl from the very beginning. I don't want this to be over. I've never needed a guy to make me complete, but I have always wanted one. And I really want this one in particular....

Let me preface this by saying that both of you are absolutely on point when it comes to me and of course, when it comes to me and men. Once I get anywhere near a boy I like, I morph into the needy, crazy, jealous, overanalyzing Emma that I've always been deep down yet worked so hard to change over the past few years. 

After this strange and awful weekend, I needed to get away from everything so my friends Cindy, Blanca and Jaime came over to drink and then to go to a nearby bar to see a band we like. I got a text from Tony while we were there saying "Hey there, hope you had a great day. I wanted to talk to you about something. will you be going to bed late?"

To which I promptly freaked out. I told him where I was and said I'd probably be home around 1am and texted if everything was ok, and he said, "yep." Great. I texted Sher and Nancy and my friend Erinna from work. Mostly because I needed comfort and I knew they'd still be up. When he drove Nancy home yesterday, he told her he was concerned that he wouldn't be able to spend enough time with me. She told him maybe we jumped into this whole thing too fast and needed to slow down. She said they talked about me, but didn't say more than that. Regardless of how she used me as a scapegoat yesterday, I still love her and I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me intentionally. Her response to my "I'm gonna be so sad if this is done" was "Ummmm =(" and "It's not but we can go looking for boys together." What the hell? Sher, you are like my lighthouse, even if what you're showing me is something I don't want to see, I know you're just helping me find my way. I might need emergency best friend time tomorrow, depending on what happens when we actually talk. I just got home and left him a message. Sigh.

I think he's going to give me a choice, as in, give him space or end it. I'm so fucking confused, I don't even know which option I would take, or if the option will even exist. It's not that I just needed somebody at this point in my life, it's that I really liked and needed Tony. As sweet and kind as he is, he also challenges me and yet is supportive at the same time. During our first date, I honestly thought that I had finally found him. Seriously. This geeky, not so cute, super religious, kinda odd man is the first person who I've really just clicked with, almost instantly and to the point where I wasn't afraid to let my walls down and let him in. On the first date!

Tomorrow is another day. I will attempt to sleep and deal with this in the morning. Yes, I have work tomorrow and tons of it so at least I'll hopefully be able to take my mind off this for a little while.... 

It's kicking in again, guys. It's been pretty much a month since Tony and I started dating and the weird feeling just keeps getting weirder. And no, not in a good way. I'm someone who thinks with her head first, feels with her heart next and trusts her emotions last.

In my mind, I know that this guy is special. He has exhibited probably every characteristic The Dream should have in some way or another already. It's not like I have some other hot prospects (well, kinda, more on that later) around so why ditch someone who is a great person?

In my heart, I want this to work if only to know that I am capable of loving and being loved. From the first time I met him, there was something about this guy that was different and I could feel it from then on. I still feel it.

My emotions have been a mess lately. Yesterday was nuts. Today was nuts and who knows when we'll see each other again. It's been a lot of ups and downs this week and I don't handle that very well. If anything, this year has made me fragile and I don't know if that's good or bad yet.

We talked about a lot of stuff on our ride back from the game tonight. And it was good to get things out in the open and squared away. I set my ground rules on the lateness thing. I told him it sucked to be kept waiting, regardless of the reason, I needed to know what was going on all the times. I told him I'd rather have him not go than to stress himself out trying to be all things to all people like he always does and show up 2 hours late everywhere.  

But I can't help but feel like this is how it's going to be with him. Where I'm on the list of important things, but below his job, his church, his family and his friends. Which I guess, is how it should be? I don't know. He's not first on my list either, but he's not as low as I appear to be on his at this moment.

So instead of counting this as strike three, because, yes, he was late again-I'm giving him a foul tip. Or strike two and a half...we'll see what next week holds.  

I don't know how I feel right now. He was late again. I hate that. It's a flaw that ruins every event from the very beginning and it's something I personally can't stand.

On the other hand, he was sweet as could be, yet he didn't hold my hand or anything today and I don't know what's going on. I feel like he's pulling away from me. I almost felt like he was so into getting to know Nancy that I was jealous. Really jealous. And she was just being herself and he was being himself and there I was feeling left out for whatever reason. It's not like I didn't spend half the car ride talking to Sal too. We had fun together, but it just felt....different.

I still like him. I wanted him to be my Tony and he wasn't. He acted like I was just any old friend of his. Not someone he was dating or whatever.

Is this what happens after the beginning? I don't really know because I've never really gone past it.

He kissed me goodnight, but that was it. I should have known I'd be like this, needy and clingy and possessive.

But why? I know better than this. If he doesn't like me anymore, then whatever. It was fun, no harm, no foul. His loss.

Maybe it was because we were with other people who have a weird relationship with each other and that made it weirder?  And it was tense in the beginning because of the lateness, but we talked about that and instead of making me feel better, it made me feel worse.

I'm turning into someone I don't want to be because of him. I don't know why all of a sudden, I care about someone's schedule and trying to find time to be together and needing him to call back and all of that. I have never been like this. I'm my own person. I don't need someone else to make me feel whole or happy. So why do I feel so strange right now because I don't know where I stand with him?

Maybe I'm just overrreacting. He has an intense job that he loves (and two side jobs too). He was saying all the right things today on the ride home. He's so mature about stuff, it's scary. Like when I point out how he originally thought he'd have a hard time keeping up with my schedule and then it turned out to be the opposite, he just smiled and said, everything happens for a reason  and life is always unexpected. Or how he kept trying to tell me to relax and rest while we were driving home because it was late already. 

Tonight we're supposed to hang out again, same people, Sal and Nancy, but this time at a Dodgers vs. Padres game. I don't know if I like this whole semi-double date situation with two people who aren't dating and me and Tony who are, but I don't feel like he gave me enough attention yesterday. I'm being ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it. I want him for myself. I don't feel like he wants me anymore.  

Aaaaagh. Now what???