8 posts tagged “family”
My cousin Missy has had a hell of a year. Take what I've gone through and multiply it by a hundred times more pain and that's what she's been through. I mean, out of all the cousins, she was the closest to our grandpa. She spent the most time at his side through all of his hospital visits not only because she could, but because she really wanted to. It took her the longest to cry in front of him because she wanted to be strong for him. When Kara died, I was sad because she was a sweetheart and family, but to Missy she was her best friend, soul sister and true kindred spirit. Missy's car and laptop got stolen at Plaza Bonita this year while she was at the movies. She has been looking for a job for about 18 months already and everyone has told her she was either overqualified or underqualified. Then, to top it all off, her family's been in some legal trouble and they lost their house a month ago. Her mom's business had to close down and her dad just started his new job last month. He had gotten laid off back in March, when my grandpa was sick. But despite all of this, she's still smiling and surviving...
So Kristy and I decided that the best thing to do was to throw her a surprise birthday party at her favorite place-Chuck E. Cheese! Most of the cousins made it and we had a fantastic time. It's always nice to get to be a kid again...
Oh, and we went out drinking with her friends that Friday night too. This was the first time our little cousin Diana (ok, she's 21!) went out with us so she got to hear all of our old drinking stories, take her first shot, learn how to order a drink at a bar and party with the "big kids".
An added bonus...my friend Vanessa had a cocktail reception (aka open bar with yummy appetizers) at the Marriott for her 30th and I met a cute Wentworth Miller lookalike who was a good dancer, her best guy friend and single =D She asked if she could set us up, and for the first time ever, I agreed. All I know so far is that he's Mormon and lives in San Diego...we'll see how this goes =D
When we were obsessed with Mike Tyson's punch out, we thought tko just meant triple knock out. But it really means that the ref just decided that the fighter can't continue the match for whatever reason and declares the other guy the winner. Sometimes it does mean that the fighter's been knocked down three times in one round.
If 2009 were a fight (and, damn, it sure has been!) then I'd be ready for my tko right about now. Just got back from DC (bus made me late for first flight, had to spend my last 50 bucks on the flight change, almost lost my wallet and boarding pass at the airport in Atlanta) to see that my car has a parking ticket, my phone screen is dead again and my dad is in the hospital. Fucking threes.
I was supposed to go to a funeral today (thu) for a friend's mother who died last week but of course I rushed down to SD instead. He was in the same hospital as my grandpa, and in the same room where my grandma died. He had been having random continuous nose bleeds this weekend and some tightness in his chest so when he finally vomited blood, my mom took him to the er. They said he had stroke level high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat so they admitted him. They put the machines on him, his bp went down and they put some thing in his nose to stop the bleeding. He lied to the doc about going to see his cardiologist (he hasn't seen a doctor since his heart attack and stint surgery 4 years ago) but his tests came out ok so he went home last night.
After everything that has gone wrong this year and last, I spent that hour drive (yes, I was going hella fast but I was also coming from john wayne airport) crying and praying and thinking about what could happen next. There have been way too many moments like this for me and I just kept hoping it would be alright. This time, thankfully, it was.
It's been almost a year since Ben's stroke. I'm thinking I should spend that particular day (tomorrow) with him, since he's had his own share of tkos but once in the geniza bubble, there is no escape.
I feel like everything I've been posting is slightly traumatic and a downer, but everything happens for a reason and things still manage to work out for me, so the fight continues on.
I got plenty more rounds left in me...
The other day, I wrote about how all of these hardships have helped me develop a thicker skin. This is true, but other days, I feel like the past events have also made me a lot more vulnerable and emotional than I used to be.
When I read Christina's post, I started to cry. I didn't really know her aunt, but I can empathize with her loss. It may take 40 days to ascend to heaven but it might take 40 years for me to really heal from all the pain I've felt recently.
There are good days and bad days. Mostly, I have days when I am happy that he's okay and in heaven, finally with my grandma and happy once again. Other days, all I can think about is how much I've lost and how everyone in my family is still suffering.
Today was just a bad one, tomorrow is another day, ready and waiting for good things to come...
The days where I wish I lived in San Diego are coming more often now. Yesterday was one cousin's 21st birthday and they all threw her a surprise party. Today is another's high school graduation. Last week, I really wanted to be there for Missy in person.
Then when I'm home and pulled in twenty different directions and end up doing all these things I don't necessarily want to do, I want to be away again. I love living up here and one of the main reasons is that I can live my own life and not have to deal with every event my millions of family members have.
But it still hurts to miss stuff like this, especially when I'm technically not working today...
I feel like part of getting older and going through difficult situations is it develops another layer that both protects you and hides what's really going on inside at the same time. Like how your fingers get calloused if you work with your hands all day...
Good or bad, my skin keeps getting thicker. I always think, if I can get through yet another shitty situation, everything will be ok later. I'm ready for later to begin now.
It took me a long time to cry for my cousin Kara. It wasn't until Saturday at her funeral that it really hit me. After all of these deaths, I've come to accept that at the very least, they're going to a better place. I truly believe that and I'm glad I have my faith to hold on to at times like these. I was sad that she was physically gone forever and had died in such a tragic way, but mostly, I was sad for everyone else in her life who would miss her every day. She and Missy were best friends and cousins or really soulmates like Missy wrote in her eulogy. Kara was the person Missy would have chosen for her maid of honor and is now who she's going to name her first child after. But Kara won't be there to hold that baby or be her godmother anymore. And the thought of someone I love so much losing her best friend is what really made the tears start.
It's hard to understand how much it hurts to lose someone until it happens to you. I've had a hard time blogging about it because I would love to box up this emotion and put it away so I don't have to think about how many people I've lost, not just this year, but throughout my life. After a while, the pain becomes numbness. It's like I've been punched so many times, the bruise isn't even spreading anymore, it just exists. And the only time I remember it's there is when someone points it out or it comes in contact with something else.
I understand that life is fragile and death is inevitable. That's why I choose not to tell other people unless I have to or talk about it with people who are just leading their lives. I don't want my sorrow to cloud their otherwise sunny days. If you've never lost anyone close to you, it's hard to relate. If you have, that sadness just comes up to the surface again when you think of how you felt the last time it happened.
Most of the time, I'm fine. The worries about my career, my financial situation, my future and such I can push aside until I have to deal with them. This is where the thick skin comes in handy.
I am thankful for the strength I've gained and am learning to accept what I have already lost.
It can only get better, right??
I don't even really remember when Nancy and I met, but we have pretty much been inseparable ever since. It wasn't even by choice, it just sorta happened. I was(ok, still am) super involved at school and she's a super involved parent so it was inevitable really. When everyone at school started mistaking us for each other, it was decided that we were sisters. At our school, we run a lot of stuff since she's PTA president and I'm Treasurer. We always tell people we're sisters instead of friends because friends have to be nice to each other and sisters don't but that's only half true. No matter how much we may argue or annoy or tease each other, I know she has my back and she knows I have hers. Despite all of the setbacks she's faced, she's still a great mom and a good person. I love being part of her girls' lives, because even though we may not be blood related, I love them as if they were my own nieces. And even though we spend our time together working on school stuff or hanging with the girls, it's just nice to know that I have another family that I belong to when mine is 100 miles away.
I really wanted to hibernate again this weekend. I have spent way too much time with other people lately and desperately needed alone time. I finished tutoring, got some DVDs and got cozy. I teared up during "The Wrestler" and only made it through a tiny bit of Slumdog Millionaire till the Padres hit extra innings and I had to watch ESPN instead.
Then my aunt called to tell me that Missy's car (and both of their laptops) got stolen at Plaza Bonita today. I seriously almost jumped in my car (though it's about 11pm) to go back to San Diego and console her. Then I realized that as much as she would have loved that, I didn't really have to anymore. I called two of my cousins and told them Missy needed cheering up and they were happy to oblige. I don't think we ever realize how blessed we are to have each other until something traumatic happens. Most people only have one or two siblings and now, after all of this, it feels like we've all gotten so much closer that it feels like we each have 20 other brothers and sisters to count on now...nice to know that I have the freedom to take care of myself for a bit and that everyone else has more than me to call at a time like this...
My grandpa is finally in peace and he was surrounded by his friends and family till the very end. I think over the course of the viewings and funerals, over 500 people must have come to say goodbye and give us their condolences. Next weekend, we are having an opening the envelopes/writing thank you notes party to deal with the 400+ cards we got. I wrote my dad's eulogy too and was proud of him as he made it through without breaking down. I started off okay, but since the cousins were all sitting on the sides of the altar, I could hear them all start to sniffle so the tears started. But as I looked up over my paper at the hundreds of people, I took a deep breath and managed to get every word out for my grandpa and for everyone else who was there to both mourn his death and celebrate the life he lived.
At the reception, we waited for an hour to eat since serving and seating our guests was the first priority. Finally, we ate and performed one last time for our grandpa.
This loss has definitely made my family even closer and despite our sorrow on Saturday, there was no way we would let that break our Easter tradition. So we spread the word and despite some protesting, my cousins and I forced our family to continue doing what our grandpa would have wanted, to see us all having fun together and spending time with one another like he taught us to.
