9 posts tagged “life changes”

So instead of whining about Tony more,  I've decided to be over it. I know you can't just decide that, but instead of indulging myself and torturing everyone else by talking about it, I'm just gonna stop talking about it or  thinking about him and focus my energy on more productive things.

Like my job, which I'm really growing to love. I mean, the money's still not enough and I am probably going to have to tutor again, but it's ok. I miss working with kids and I like tutoring anyways.

For the first time in my professional life, I am the boss. Depending on the project, I'm sometimes the only person who can handle the situation. I make my own schedule and create my own projects. I know it's nerdy, but I like the fact that things that I've created (like tests or questions or whatever) actually get used by thousands of students and hundreds of teachers. I like knowing that I'm the only person who can do stuff like this and it's a freedom that is both exciting and intimidating at times.

I'm glad I stayed at Roosevelt all those years. I wouldn't trade that experience for anything. I found a home with that school, its parents, students and staff. They gave me a family and a place to call home when mine were 100 miles away. I went back today to visit since I had time between appointments and it felt good to be back, but I didn't really want to be there.

It kinda felt like how San Diego feels to me-a place full of people I love, with memories I cherish, but also not where I need to be at this point in my life.

Oh and as if I didn't need more things to fill up my time...Football starts tomorrow!! =D  

Revision: I wrote the bottom part of this post about 20 minutes before the other teacher, aka the only other person on my team, called me to tell me she was quitting. I don't know what this means for me. The job that she and I do is enough work for a team of six people, but we don't have the resources for that so instead we work nonstop trying to meet our deadlines and make it happen. I know I can handle this job. It's just that it's become even more of a challenge now.

So I've decided to tell my family about my new job. It's inevitable and I've already lied to them for a year. Plus, I'm really starting to like my new job. Most of the time, I work on my own projects and get to make my own schedule, which is ideal. The work itself isn't super interesting, but it's new and in that sense, exciting. Plus, it's nice to know I have a regular income, as opposed to getting called in when needed (subbing) or showing up at places with no students (tutoring). I'm regaining a sense of control in my life, and for that, I'm thankful.

In other news, I have my first 2009 wedding to go to next weekend. It's one of my teacher friends and instead of sitting with the rest of our (coupled) friends, she's sitting me and Nancy with the single guys. I don't know if this is brilliant or a recipe for disaster, but whatever, we shall see how that event unfolds... 

I saw this video online and had a really strong urge to get married...to someone who would not only approve, but participate in this spectacle =D

The beauty of the blog is it's a time machine that lets you peek at your past and remember the good times and of course, reminds you of the not so great times.

At this exact moment last year, I had just started talking to Dave. We were in my favorite part, the beginning, before it started getting complicated and when every communication was exciting and new.

Today was also the day that Ben had his stroke. I was driving up to Del Mar Fair with Amparo and Rich when Phil called me saying Ben was in the ICU. We went to the fair anyway, watched fireworks and then I ended up driving down south to meet up with Phil, crying and praying for Ben's life to be saved somehow.

I didn't know what was going to happen with my job. There was a slim chance it would be saved even.

Fast forward to now. I have a completely different job which could either make me rich(or at least bring me back to normal) or lead to another year of struggling to make ends meet.

Ben is perfectly fine. I hate to say this, but the stroke kind of fixed a lot of things in his life. He is finally taking care of himself, he has a relationship with his mother again and he has actually made goals to improve his life.

There is no more Dave and really no one with boyfriend or even dating potential in my life right now. Brian and I were supposed to hang out while I was in DC last week, but it didn't work out since I had such an early flight and no way to get to NY as I had planned originally. He called me to say goodbye this morning. My constant crush is now headed back to Thailand where he'll probably be for awhile since he actually has job offers there. He invited me to come and stay with him whenever I wanted, but that will have to wait for when I have a steady income, time off and a passport.

Nothing is the same. If I were to compare and contrast 2008 and 2009, they would have nothing in common. Well, except that I thankfully still have my friends and family intact. And with that kind of safety net, all I have to do is cross this tightrope to the next part of this adventure...  

I feel like part of getting older and going through difficult situations is it develops another layer that both protects you and hides what's really going on inside at the same time. Like how your fingers get calloused if you work with your hands all day...

Good or bad, my skin keeps getting thicker. I always think, if I can get through yet another shitty situation, everything will be ok later. I'm ready for later to begin now.

It took me a long time to cry for my cousin Kara. It wasn't until Saturday at her funeral that it really hit me. After all of these deaths, I've come to accept that at the very least, they're going to a better place. I truly believe that and I'm glad I have my faith to hold on to at times like these. I was sad that she was physically gone forever and had died in such a tragic way, but mostly, I was sad for everyone else in her life who would miss her every day. She and Missy were best friends and cousins or really soulmates like Missy wrote in her eulogy. Kara was the person Missy would have chosen for her maid of honor and is now who she's going to name her first child after. But Kara won't be there to hold that baby or be her godmother anymore. And the thought of someone I love so much losing her best friend is what really made the tears start. 

It's hard to understand how much it hurts to lose someone until it happens to you. I've had a hard time blogging about it because I would love to box up this emotion and put it away so I don't have to think about how many people I've lost, not just this year, but throughout my life. After a while, the pain becomes numbness. It's like I've been punched so many times, the bruise isn't even spreading anymore, it just exists. And the only time I remember it's there is when someone points it out or it comes in contact with something else.

I understand that life is fragile and death is inevitable. That's why I choose not to tell other people unless I have to or talk about it with people who are just leading their lives. I don't want my sorrow to cloud their otherwise sunny days.  If you've never lost anyone close to you, it's hard to relate. If you have, that sadness just comes up to the surface again when you think of how you felt the last time it happened.

Most of the time, I'm fine. The worries about my career, my financial situation, my future and such I can push aside until I have to deal with them. This is where the thick skin comes in handy. 

I am thankful for the strength I've gained and am learning to accept what I have already lost. 

It can only get better, right??  

"I have an unbelievable life. In some ways, I have the life that I have because I don't have children. I don't think it's a compromise to have children. I don't think it's a compromise not to. I think it's just a different choice. People might say, 'That's bull. She actually really wants to have a baby.' My answer is, 'No! Everything I'm bringing into my life right now isn't geared toward that.'"  -Cameron Diaz

I've been wanting to blog about this, but every time I started to, it sounded too bitter or judgemental and I deleted it. Maybe I've been working too much with all of my half jobs and the stress of not having a real job in a month is getting to me. Or maybe it's because as much as I love Mariah and her family, she really sideswiped me with one conversation in particular that we had while she was visiting. When I read this quote from MSN today, it kind of just hit me.

My life is this way because of the choices I've made. Yes, there have been places along the way where I have thought that I needed to steer myself towards the husband and kids path. Most recently, with my grandpa passing, I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness at the thought of my own dad never being a grandfather one day. The thing was, nothing made my grandpa as happy as we did. He didn't have to do the raising us right stuff, that's what our parents did and I think he just loved being able to spoil us since he had to be the tough one with his own kids all the time. My dad already spoiled us so I can just imagine how wonderful he would be with my children. Let's not even start with my mother who probably prays every night for me to meet someone, get married and get pregnant asap. I don't blame them for their expectations, but in this world, making the wrong choice for a husband or even getting married for the wrong reason or picking the wrong time to get married snowballs into so much pain and for everyone involved, it seems like the biggest risk to take.

And the thing is, Mariah has made all of those choices to lead her down that family way and she is doing wonderfully. She is definitely the most sheltered person I know and clearly is confused as to why someone as great as me can't have the same good fortune as she has had. I mean, she asked me if I was thinking of adoption any time soon, if I ever wanted to have my own biological children and when I was buying a house. I guess if I were in a good relationship, had health insurance or a full time job instead of three half ones, these questions would be valid. She didn't mean them to be hurtful, but they did sting a little. When Michael and I were doing the Mariah breakdown afterwards, we came to the conclusion that she just doesn't know any better.She doesn't know what it's like to date, be rejected, to reject someone, learn to be independent and love yourself enough to know that being single is not the end of the world. She has never had to worry about money or paying bills or even student loans. I don't begrudge her blessings, she is a fantastic mother, wife and a great friend. She deserves all of it and has always been humble and grateful for everything. And despite all of the crying (her youngest is 1 and teething, no she doesn't believe in pacifiers or teething rings or pain relieving medicine), we really did have a great time. And luckily, my godson Walter is as big of a Lego nerd as me...

I love this show. Ted's year of being 30 to 31 included him getting stood up at the altar, losing his job, learning to live without roommates, then living with his ex again, getting beat up by a goat and other various catastrophes not included in this clip. Having just finished that same transitional traumatic year (without as many funny clips), I am still recovering as well, but as Ted says, if all of that crap didn't happen first, he would never have started the job he loved or met the love of his life aka their mother.

Here's to hoping all of this heartache and hard stuff is leading us to happier times ahead...

I went home this weekend and felt like a phony for the first time in my life. There are lots of things that my family doesn't know about me and I like it that way. My cousins and siblings have heard certain stories or witnessed some of the madness firsthand. A few of them have met a few of the boys I've dated over the years. These aspects of my life are private and I feel no guilt in keeping this hidden away. When I find The Dream or even one worthy of my family, I will bring him home and that will be the ultimate litmus test. 

But my teaching has always been a point of pride, for me and for them. They always ask about my students or if they can help me grade or whatever. Three of my cousins actually want to be teachers now and I know that wasn't all because of me, but my influence (whether it's positive or not) is strong with all of them because I'm the oldest and the one they've always looked up to. As much as it killed me to hide the fact that I'm not really teaching anymore, it was so much easier than taking the other route. So I smiled, I talked about the year so far and didn't stretch the truth too much since I really have been teaching, but really I was crying inside. Crying because only Missy knows what's really going on. Crying because if I don't get my credential, this will only get harder and harder and I will need their help. Crying because my situation has pushed me to try new things that will only pull us further apart, at least physically.

I couldn't tell anyone about my upcoming interview with New Leaders for New Schools because if I do make it through, that's 600 more miles away that I'll be from everyone. I didn't talk about the Building Excellent Schools program because that would put me thousands of miles away. I'm planning on looking into teaching abroad as well and then we could be on different continents. As exhilirating as it would be for me (and for them, sort of), it would be heartbreaking as well.

I'm not good with change. I am used to my happy plateau. But as evidenced by the rollercoaster ride of 2008, nothing has turned out the way one would expect it to. I am eternally grateful that some things never change, particularly my friends and family. But most of all, I'm thankful that as difficult as this has all been so far, I've survived. It has to get better because damn it, it can't really get much worse!    

We had our roommate reunion in Seattle this weekend. I have blogged about Seattle as my safe haven because when my life is madness, Mariah's is always steady, normal and comfortable. This time Michael was in town for a conference so it was even better. It's odd that being 30 this year has affected all of us so differently. Michael, Mariah and I have always had an interesting relationship. Although we have a lot of similar views, interests and experiences, we come at issues from very different perspectives so our conversations often turn out into heated discussions. I'm the referee most of the time, so there hasn't been too much blood spilled in the past 8 years. So as we discussed our love of Obama, disdain at Palin, views on the current/future states of education, religion and government, it felt like old times again. There's just something about living with people that makes you as close as siblings in a very short time. We didn't always like each other and I have a relationship with each of them, but they don't have much of one with each other.

Both of their lives have changed so dramatically since we met. Mariah is married with her two kids and Michael came out of the closet and is almost finished with his PhD from Harvard. But they were most interested in my life, and sadly, besides the demise of Dave, I had nothing new to report. I hate that because I am the single girl in my circle, I always get the spotlight. They need to live vicariously through me because they have both been in committed relationships for so long now, but I'm not the Emma they used to live with. I'm being more careful and smarter and yeah, it's boring-but this is maturity. I'm over the whole random dating thing, I want so much more than good stories to tell my gossip hungry friends.

I love Mariah, but she wants us all to have her life and neither Michael or I necessarily want or see that in the future. Frankly, Michael and his boyfriend Elveden are closer to being parents than I am. But I'm okay with it. I am not selfish enough to put a kid into my life equation because I can hardly take care of myself right now. Plus, I want the whole thing,the husband, marriage, the house and the baby. I don't want pieces of it. I deserve more than that.   

The only thing that broke my heart a little this weekend was when my mom told me to put Walter on the phone to talk to his "grandma". I know she really wants grandchildren and she's expecting them from me. And this is the one thing I can't just give her, which sucks, but I'm done putting other people's needs or wants above my own. 

I have accepted that this stuff is not always under my control. I just wish everyone else would =/